You watched porn with a spanking scene you can’t stop thinking about. Maybe your partner smacked your bottom during sex. Or maybe you’ve read enough erotica, had enough conversations, and masturbated enough to know that you want to be spanked. But how do you bring it into your relationship? Where do you begin, and how do you do it safely in a way that still feels amazing?
Here’s what you need to know to introduce spanking into your relationship.
Think About What You Want
Before you can talk to your partner about spanking or any other kinky fun, you need an idea of what you’re interested in. No, you don’t need to be an expert on the topic, but it’s good to have a few ideas to share with your partner. So where do you get those ideas?
● Read erotica or real-life experiences of people who love spanking
● Watch porn that features spanking
● Fantasise about what you’d like to experience
While you’re doing your “research,” try to answer these questions for yourself:
● Do you want to spank your partner or be spanked by them? Or both?
● Are you interested in spanking during sex?
● Do you want to act out a role play fantasy that involves sex?
● What interests you about spanking? Is it the “naughtiness” of it? The sensation? The helplessness of the person being spanked?
● Would you like to combine spanking with anything else—bondage, blindfolds, sex toys, etc?
If you’re thinking, yes to all of the above, that’s great! But if you’re not, use these questions to get a better idea of what exactly it is that you want. This will give you a good place to start when it’s time for the next step.
Talk to your partner
If the idea of telling your partner you want a spanking (or to spank them) fills you with a bit of horror and worry, you’re not alone. Many people find it difficult to share their sexual desires and fantasies for fear of being rejected. But here’s the reality: if you never tell your partner what you want, you’ll never get to experience it with them. Not sure how to start the conversation? Try one (or all!) of these ideas:
Sext them: Sometimes the easiest way to tell your partner you’re into something is to weave it into a sexy moment. If you’ve ever sent the “I wish we were naked right now” text, you can do this, too. Tell them you want to confess something kinky. Tease them with it a little. Draw out the moment. Maybe use a clapping or waving emoji with a peach emoji to really get your post across.
Watch porn together: Figuring out how to say, “I really want you to spank me” can feel impossible. The words get stuck in your throat, and you worry about how to bring it up “naturally.” For an easy opening, watch porn together. After a spanking scene ends, casually mention that you’d like to try that. From there, you might find it much easier to talk about, especially if they’re into the idea.
Be direct: I’m a big fan of saying what you mean and meaning what you say. If you’re comfortable telling your partner all kinds of personal details, this might be easier than you imagine. Find a time when you’re both relaxed and in a good mood (post-sex is always a great time) and just say it: “I really want to try spanking when we fuck.”
Start slow and easy
You’ve had the conversation, and your partner is open to spanking. Now what? Now it’s time to ease into the sexy fun you can’t stop thinking about. All you need for a good spanking is a hand and a butt. No extra equipment required. To make sure you both have a good time, always start slowly and build up to more intense pleasure over time.
Start with an experimental smack. It’s best to do this before you get hot and heavy into your kinky sex. A light tap first, so you both know what to expect. Maybe a slightly harder smack. If you’re into it, keep building up the speed and intensity until the spankee has enough. This will give you an idea of how hard or soft the spanking ought to be.
Agree on how everything stops. If you never talk about it, no should always mean no. But if you decide to do some sexy role play, “no” might mean “keep going.” In this case, you need a safeword. A safeword simply needs to be a word that doesn’t fit the moment. You can use the red light/green light system—green means keep going, red means stop. Or you can pick a random word like pineapple, elephant, or Cinderella. But it must be a word you’ll remember in the moment.
Check in with each other. No matter which of you spanks the other, it’s important to check in with each other—especially if you’re the one smacking your partner’s bum. Lean in and whisper, “Do you like this?” or “Can I keep going?” It’s sexy and an easy way to make sure they’re doing okay. This also gives them the opportunity to ask for a break or less intensity.
All the ways you can spank or be spanked
There’s no limit on how or why you spank your partner, beyond your own personal limits— what’s too much, too painful, or out of bounds. But if you’re looking for ideas to start your spanking fun, here are a few.
Spanking during sex
A smacked ass during doggy style is the gateway drug for most spanking adventures. It’s an easy way for one partner to reach the other person’s bottom and give it a good smack. But you can also do this while you’re spooning or while one partner rides the other. As long as you can reach their butt or flank (and they consent), spank away. For some, the painful sensation makes everything more intense and pleasurable. For others, it’s about losing control and power. And sometimes it’s both.
Spanking with toys
You don’t need money or toys for spankings. Remember—a hand and a butt are all that you need. But sometimes you want different sensations. This is where sex toys and kinky gear have a role. You can pair a spanking with a vibrator for sensation overload. You can switch out your hand for a paddle, crop, or flogger to change the stimulation. Use a dildo (with or without a strapon) for penetrative sex and spank your partner at the same time. The possibilities are limited only by your personal limits and your sex toy collection.
Spanking in role play
While many spanking fans do it for the love of the sensation, the control, and the power, some need a “reason” to spank or be spanked. Enter the sexiness of a role play fantasy. In this moment, you and your partner become someone else—and one of you “deserves” a spanking. Teacher/student, prisoner/guard, doctor/nurse, pirate/captive—pick a scenario that turns you on and use your imagination and your dirty talk skills to get or give the spanking you crave.
Spanking is about a lot of things: sensation, stimulation, pain, control, power, fantasies, sexual pleasure. No matter why you’re into it (and “Just because I like it” is perfectly valid), the only way to have a healthy experience with spanking is to communicate your desires and maintain mutual consent at all times. Within those two “rules,” you can experiment and explore the kinky world of spanking in any way that turns you on, gets you off, and feels good to you.
Kayla Lords is a professional writer, sex blogger, podcaster, sexual submissive, and kinkster, Her mission: to make BDSM, specifically Dominance and submission, less scary, less weird, and much more real and attainable for anyone willing to learn more.