Often we think of two main orifices when it comes to sex, but what about our mouths? The term “dirty talk” is a vague one. Does it mean demeaning someone? Calling them a dirty cum slut? Is it more of romantic erotic literature or a reputation of ‘you like that’s?’
Dirty talk sometimes feels like sexual improv, which can be a daunting task to take on. Fear not, my budding sexual warriors, the smutty spoken word doesn’t have to be nearly as hard as it seems. A large assumption is that there is no work or thought put into the dirty talk ahead of time—a rolling off the tongue at a moment’s notice in the act of coitus. It’s not to say you have to write a script out ahead of time, but ideally, you should have an understanding of what your person responds to before you start calling them a filthy whore while they’re butt naked.
Like any other sexual item on the menu, it’s a good idea to gauge interest ahead of time—not only of the dirty talk itself but of its context. What is dirty talk to one is near traumatizing for another. Yes, maybe you do say something aggressive once and it ends up going swimmingly, but this is a high-risk attempt and puts someone on the spot in an already high-pressure situation.
So how do you begin dipping your toes into the sensual sweet nothings without running the risk of being embarrassingly awkward?
Let’s start off on the basics.
Ask your person how they would feel about dirty talk. Explain to them what dirty talk means to you and ask what it means to them in return. There is a wide spectrum of dirty talk both in context and content. Start with an understanding where both of your frames of reference lie. There’s a big difference between “tell me what you want to do to me” versus “tell me how filthy I am.”
Where do they like the idea of dirty talk occurring? Your sweet nothings don’t have to remain in coitus. You could use these in sexting, foreplay, even a casual slip into your errand running together. Start using it as an excuse to express the nonsexual things that excite you.
How should you start to talk dirty?
Similar to learning styles we all are drawn to particular senses to arouse us. Does your person respond best to words that describe touch, sight, sound, etc…? Try out the difference between descriptions of each and have them choose.
For example, touch: “Imagine my fingertip slowly tracing along your skin sending shivers up your spine and collect at the base of your neck. Just as your goosebumps rise, I sink my teeth into the fleshiness of your thigh.”
Sound: “I want to whisper your name in your ear and my hand wraps around your body, hearing the sounds of your lube saturated parts while my fingers fiddle their way through your most sacred of parts. With every new corner, I fold them into we audibly moan as if we are one being.”
Sight: “I’m standing there naked in front of you, allowing you to devour me with your gaze. As you do, I carefully undress you. Your chest is glistening from the moisture that builds up. As our bodies press together, I take those parts of you on myself and wear it like war paint.”
When should you introduce some dirty talk?
If you’re not cozy with the idea of dirty talk freefall without a net, start small via written word, that gives you more room for thought and spontaneity than spoken. Narrate the thoughts that may race through your head but you rarely speak aloud. Try not to make these so definitive so you give room for them to adjust or react to your thought stream.
“I love thinking about you telling people what to do at work.”
“When you show your body off to me, it really turns me on to see your pride.” “I like the idea of you sneaking up on me.”
Now that the basics are covered, what about when you’re doing this life, in person? You know how to read your lines, but how do you do it once the curtain go up?
Break the ice
A good way to gauge interest—and consent—is asking how they would feel if you said or did something. As in, “How would you feel if I told you that you could only cum when I told you to?”
“What if I called you a naughty girl?” Anything less than utter excitement might mean you have to pause on that idea and try for something else.
Worried that smiling or giggling will ruin the mood? Use it! If your personality is silly or smiley, use that devilish grin or youthful laughter to your advantage. Dirty talk sounds don’t have to be oozing with stereotypical sexuality. It’s all about what turns you and your partner on. Chances are, if they’re engaging with you, they’ll enjoy whatever makes you you.
Welcome in empty space
Don’t think you have to fill up every bit of dead air with naughty words. Use the silence to make what little you say really stick. Last but not least, go easy on yourself. Sex and sexuality is already such a vulnerable place, adding in the pressure of dialogue can feel like a lot. It doesn’t have to be perfect, make a commitment to try, laugh when you need to laugh, fall down and try again.
Your journey through different types of dirty talk might change and evolve, it may even differ between partners. Dirty talk can be a wonderful way to explore new desires or safely explore desires you may have no interest in acting out. (I’m looking at your gangbang fantasy.) Using our words is another means of enduring sexual arousal, add it to your repertoire and you’ll be firing from all cylinders.