How to touch a vulva (and everything else you need to know)

The post How to touch a vulva (and everything else you need to know) appeared first on FrolicMe.

There is not enough attention paid to the vulva and we’ve decided that’s cancelled.

I think I can speak for every sex educator on Earth when I say that if I hear one more person call the entire female genital structure a ‘vagina’, I am going to scream. I would gladly stay in quarantine for another 6 months to have the world properly label female anatomy and use the correct words when describing it to others.

We straight up do not have the information we need to be empowered about our bodies in even the most fundamental way. A good chunk of the population couldn’t even show you where the vaginal opening is located. You can’t make this up – the stats don’t lie. A recent study from The Eve Appeal showed that 44 per cent of women in the UK don’t even know where their vaginas are. Thanks a lot, sex ed.

According to research from Bodyform, 77 per cent of women don’t know what a vulva even is, so it looks like the majority of us are in good, uninformed company. A vagina is not a vulva. A vulva is not a vagina. Are they a part of the same, connected female genital area? Yes, but this does not make them the same. Would you refer to a penis as a scrotum or perineum (aka taint) as a penis? No, you wouldn’t. That’s because you know the proper names for the male anatomy.

The problem is that not that many people understand what the vulva is, what it does, and how it’s different from a vagina. There is not enough attention paid to the glorious, amazing, fantastic vulva. And we’ve decided that’s cancelled.

So if you need some information on this fabulous piece of the female anatomy, you’ve come to the right place. Here is everything you need to know, from what a vulva even is (because clearly people don’t know), to how to touch it for maximum pleasure.

What is a vulva?

The vulva refers to the external portion of the genitals of female-bodied people. This includes the mons pubis (the fatty tissue over the pubic bone where the majority of pubic hair grows), the labia minora (inner lips), the labia majora (outer lips), the clitoris, urethral opening, and the vaginal opening. Basically, it’s everything on the outside of the body.

How is this different from the vagina, you might ask? The vagina refers to one, specific piece of the female anatomy, the internal canal that extends from the vaginal opening to the cervix. That’s right, the vagina is just the tunnel toys/penises/dildos/fingers etc. go into. That’s ALL.

When we don’t call body parts by their proper names, the underlying message is that they don’t matter. Calling a vulva a vagina basically says that female bodies aren’t as important as male bodies. It completely ignores the powerhouse of female pleasure: The Clitoris. This organ is the only one in the entire human body whose purpose is pleasure. It has 8,000 nerve endings in the external glans alone. This is double the nerve endings in the glans of the penis.

Why the hell are people so confused about this?

Frankly, it’s because we don’t teach young people about their bodies. We don’t prioritize conversations about pleasure, anatomy, or anything to do with sexuality. We’re absolutely scandalized by sexuality, with special emphasis being paid to female sexuality. The puritanical world got together and said, “Hey if we don’t tell girls what a clitoris is, maybe they won’t ever have sex. Make sense? Great. Let’s do it!”

This is bullshit.

This lack of information will follow young people through the rest of their lives, fumbling around and not knowing how pleasure works. Studies show skipping comprehensive sex ed doesn’t stop kids from having sex, but it most certainly will stop them from having good sex.

“As young girls, women aren’t taught about their sexual anatomy and how it’s connected to pleasure. If women haven’t explored their bodies, it’s then difficult to explain to a partner how to touch them or talk about what feels good,” explains Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist. “For men, they’re relying on some kind of education around the female sex organs and very few men actually get that lesson. By experiencing this disconnect, both parties are left not really knowing what to do and they don’t have the conversational skills to talk about sex and pleasure”.

Expert tips for touching and massaging a vulva

OK, now that you understand what a vulva is, why calling it a ‘vulva’ is important, and the loaded AF reasons why people are afraid of vulvas, let’s talk about pleasuring them. Why? Because the vulva is where the magic happens, friends. “The vulva is the gateway to the vagina, so [it is] important to arouse the vulva [before intercourse], as well as the clitoris,” explains Moushumi Ghose, MFT, a licensed sex therapist. “Too much penis-in-vagina sex focuses on [intercourse]. The vagina and vulva completely get bypassed and ignored in many cases. Take some time [to] explore your partner’s outer lips and inner lips, use your hands, mouth, [and] toys”.

The vulva is where the vast majority of nerve endings are located in the female body. The clitoris is the Mac Daddy of pleasure, but the labia, mons, and vaginal opening are also packed full of delicious pleasure potential. Here are some of the best tips for massaging and touching a vulva, brought to you by experts in the business of female pleasure and orgasm.

1.   Do your homework

You don’t want to go into this blindly. Seriously, look at a diagram of a vulva and be sure you know where all the parts are before you touch one – even if it’s your own! “Don’t rely on pornography to teach you how to touch a vulva,” D’Angelo adds.

Remember that communication is lubrication. “Ask your partner what feels good, use lubricated fingers, making small circles to give her a gliding/smooth sensation”, D’Angelo says.

2.   Warm-up while her clothes are on

“Using the width of all of your fingers, reach down between a woman’s legs, while she has her clothes on and begin to stimulate the greater part of her outer genitalia – aka the vulva. If she spreads her legs even a little bit she will begin to feel the stimulation and she will begin to feel aroused,” Ghose says.

3.   Start with light touches and move from there

Start slowly when you touch the vulva. “Try using a light touch of the finger, maybe a vibrator, or even a feather to lightly touch her and entice her,” Ghose says. If penetration is the goal, you want to be sure the vulva is fully aroused before entering. “Definitely read her cues and her moans will tell you if she is turned on or not,” Ghose says.

4.   Get creative

Lastly, get creative with the ways you’re touching the vulva (and the entire body, for that matter). Life is too short for boring sex. Communicate with your partner, ask them what they want, and be willing to get a little weird with it. “Use fun things to bring an element of novelty and sensory delight by using an ostrich feather, leather strap or get a little kinky pushing the envelope playing around with electrosex, which brings a tingling sensation to all her delicious nerve endings,” D’Angelo says.

by Gigl Engle


Gigi Engle, is a certified clinical sexologist and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life.

The post How to touch a vulva (and everything else you need to know) appeared first on FrolicMe.