With many of us living apart from partners or single, I decided to find out how your sex lives have been going and what you’re thinking about the easing of lockdown. Are people gagging on a shagging or has lockdown locked down our libidos? If you’re living with your lover has it enhanced your sex life or torn it to shreds?
I asked all sorts of people in different situations and found it’s been a very strange and interesting time. Some fantastic experiences, some not so. But for those living alone, how will it feel to get out there and have post lockdown sex with actual other humans again?
People seem to be a lot less apprehensive than I imagined and so many came forward to share their thoughts.
I think Kirsty really has nailed it with this one—the desperate need to be with people and the horror at the thought of it too. There’s only so much we can communicate through texts. We are all missing out on the nuances of real-time contact.
What has been your experience of lockdown sex?
“I’m Schrödinger’s singleton—I simultaneously want to both date and avoid other humans at all costs. I am missing cuddles terribly but I’ve had such bad experiences on dating apps. I’m not sure if it’s me but the guys I’ve chatted to have generally turned out to be awful shits, who are more concerned with a potential leg over than anything else. I think I do better meeting folx in person, and that’s not looking likely for at least a couple of months
I’d love to meet a good person to hang with and get to know with a view to getting cosy with them, but I’ve definitely become cautious due to past experiences in relationships and on Tinder. I think lockdown removed a bit of the pressure for me, as for ages it wasn’t possible to date so I wasn’t bothered. It may come back though as things continue to relax. I’m going to try and continue to be happy as I am though, it’s best to be alone rather than unhappy with the wrong person.”
And this was a lovely thought, rediscovering the joys of getting to know each other old school. We’re so used to making our minds up about potential lovers with even the swipe of a finger. Imagine in the past when you could only send letters and courtship could take years! Lockdown may have slowed down the getting to know each other process and this person has been loving it.
“I have been messaging someone since lockdown began. We were just friends before but there had been some tension between us the week before and as soon as the lockdown was announced, all pretences were dropped and we started telling each other /exactly/ what we wanted to do to each other. Personally, I can’t wait until we can see each other again and finally get to know each other better.
A big pet peeve of mine is how bad most men are at flirting and how wrong their assumptions about what I want usually are. I’m particularly excited by this guy because the way he writes to me is so detailed and thoughtful and really takes into account the ways in which we’re very compatible. In some ways, I’ve been enjoying the slow-burn romance we’ve been having but I really want it to happen in the flesh as soon as possible.”
“[My Libido was] Definitely low to begin with, but I was just getting over an ex-girlfriend. Success with a bit of virtual dating recently has got the old juices flowing once again I’m very much looking forward to getting back on the horse!”
What about complicated living situations? Has absence made the heart grow fonder?
Etta’s story brought a lump to my throat and seems like a lot of people will identify with this.
“My situation is that I have been with my partner three and a half years and we don’t live together. I have my elderly parents living with me. My partner also has health issues which make him more vulnerable to Covid so we have been strict about observing the rules of lockdown. (That’s been quite a revelation in itself, I always thought I was a devil-may-care-break-the-rules kind of gal. Covid has shown me a Follow-the-rules-and-do-what-the-Tory-Government-say side of me that I never knew existed.)
I haven’t seen him since mid-March. We are currently in a long-distance relationship that neither of us expected. We talk every day and quite a lot of conversation is sex and kink related because that’s how it usually goes when we talk to one another. But outside of that, my libido has plummeted. Self-pleasuring is at an all-time low. I’m usually quite the enthusiastic advocate of masturbation. But I’m really not feeling it at the moment. My wand has never been so neglected.
Even before Boris’s announcement on Tuesday, I had booked a couple of nights away in a hotel in early July for us. We’ve discussed it and we are going to go ahead with it even if nothing changes in the bubbling guidelines.
It’s going to be weird after almost 4 months of not seeing one another in person. I said to him the other day, “What if I don’t even feel like sex? What if I just cuddle you and cry? Right now, that’s what I feel like doing.” He said that me just cuddling and crying is a perfectly reasonable option.
I really, really hope that all my lustful, kinky, spanky urges come back as soon as I see him. I think they probably will. He tends to have that effect on me.”
Has lockdown sex zapped our interest?
This next story also really moved me, the thought that we might have to hide our sex lives for fear of dying and our kinks being discovered by our loved ones, I hadn’t even considered this as a possibility. That’s what our very own PJA Woode had to deal with, not only the fear of actually dying of the virus, but having to think about his private sex life being exposed.
“At first just didn’t feel like it at all (mind you I was poorly). In fact, I just couldn’t even think about sex. A phrase on Twitter about ‘necessary wholesomeness’ totally summed it up for me. If we were all going to die, we needed to have pure thoughts on our mind. I threw away many of my sex toys too, in case they were left after I’d succumbed to the virus.
I think my partner and I were both very down and what helped me turn the corner was writing for FrolicMe again. This really perked me up and brought back my libido.
Then we did finally try, but it was like having sex as 90-year-olds. I could hardly get hard enough (just unheard of) and then I couldn’t penetrate. My wife was very dry and we hadn’t any lube (not the thing you expect to have to stock up on). She just about came and so did I, but it was not very good – however, the relief was immense.
Then we go through phases of wanting to do it and then not. It’s complicated by our grown-up children living at home in lockdown. So we do feel rather inhibited.
We are not quite back to normal, but when we make love it is good and we both come properly again.
BUT, as a masturbation fan, this is pretty much off the menu as I simply can’t get on my own for long. Several times I’ve got up early, sneaked away, laptop and lube in hand, made a start only to have to cover up fast. I only managed one wank in May and it was Masturbation Month too. June is a proving a bit more successful though.”
There have been some wonderful lockdown sex success stories too! Imagine the night before the lockdown was imposed having to decide whether to commit and move in together or stay apart for who knows how long. Gilly was one of those who took the leap and decided to just go for it and see what happened…
“Lockdown sex has been incredible for me. My partner moved into my house has been here for 12 weeks and went home this Saturday. Sex has been at least twice a day every day. I thought we might not maintain that at first but we have done, no pressure involved and morning sex with no rush to get up and leave for work really has become my absolute favourite thing ever. He’s been home 2 days now and I’m so sad when I wake up. We have stopped the kink stuff as living with my 16-year-old son. So I’ve missed that element. Looking forward to staying at his and picking up the link going forwards.
We are planning on him staying more than before lockdown. We also plan to get back a regular kink night at his uninterrupted as he lives alone. It was a gamble you should have seen his face on the fateful night poor guy. But what’s it’s done it’s made us realise we could live together in the future and it’s been incredible. I’ve loved knowing how matched our sex drives are.”
What about when you’re shielding and a little unsure of your relationship status?
“I’ve been solo throughout lockdown. I have a sort of relationship with someone, but he’s married and it’s a long-distance thing. So, basically I’m single. I’ve been shielding too, so adult contact has been minimal.
I cannot wait until the lockdown is over. I had hoped it would quickly bring a long-awaited meet with him, but that’s not the vibe I’m getting. I’ve realised I crave intimacy and affection. That will not come from him and I’ve always known that. I knew what I was getting into. I just didn’t expect to care about him.
As such, it is probably time I looked for someone who is available. I am lacking in confidence (he gave me that in abundance), but I won’t grow in confidence sat at home looking at a screen. I need to get out there and kiss some frogs. Prince Charming doesn’t exist, but someone who accepts my idiosyncrasies does. I just need to find them.”
And what lockdown sex for those in polyamorous and non-monogamous relationships?
“I’m solo poly and I live alone so when lockdown arrived that was an abrupt end to all physical intimacy. At first, I didn’t particularly miss it. I’m used to only having plans that involve sex every two or three weeks anyway (and that works for me) plus the generally headfuckery of it all and the efforts to shape my business into something that would survive zapped my libido. I can’t even remember wanking during April.
One thing I did from the start was to take a daily nude. Even though I had no horn I knew I wanted to maintain connections and that was an easy light-touch way to do it. That project has been a real joy. I’ve never taken so many photos of my naked self in such a short period! Not only did the photos elicit the desired responses, but they’ve also had a marked impact on the comfort level I have about showing off parts of my body I’m typically less happy with. I realised pretty early on that photos that were particularly well-received were the ones that show all of me, rolls and all, not the arty angles of a tiny bit of me. I was never in any doubt that even while I wasn’t having sex I was definitely still the object of lust!
Once we got into May and the work side of things settled I definitely felt my sex drive returning with enthusiasm. I never felt jealous about partners (or anyone) who were having sex and I also never once questioned that solo poly and solo living was the right thing for me. I never felt lonely and I didn’t ever wish I had someone here. The opposite – I was infinitely grateful to be alone and only having to please myself. I thrived in lockdown for sure. But I was also super super excited about the introduction of bubbles! The first time I had a visitor we didn’t make it past my hallway initially and it was definitely an afternoon that will be seared on my memory for a long time.
I haven’t been able to see one of my partners yet because of his wife’s work but that will be the next stage of learning. I don’t want Covid-19 to force me into monogamy, I don’t want to have to choose between partners and I don’t want people to have to choose between me and others they want to spend time with. But how lockdown sex will work is fascinating. Do you isolate for two weeks between dates and hook-ups? Taken to the extreme that would put everyone who wants to see anyone they don’t live with on some weird coordinated fortnightly schedule! Imagine the ripple effect of one date night needing to be moved?! But we all need to make sure we’re keeping ourselves, our partners and our metamours safe and healthy in the same way we do with how we look after our sexual health. And there’s the added layer of wanting to spend time in close proximity to those we’re not having sex with and how that all fits in. It’s going to be a very interesting time seeing how it all works out.”
R T Collins
“I’m polyamorous and honestly as much as I miss my other partners desperately, I think lockdown is easing far far too soon and there’s no way I’m going to leap straight back into my sex life. I’m overflowing with horniness but lockdown sex is still just too dangerous.”
The last word goes to Alex, who basically believes that humans will be humans and that’s just how it is.
“Well I think not much will change, to be honest people will just be as risky as ever. When it comes to sex there seem to be two sorts of categories: risk people and people who are careful it’s always been that way. I’m more careful myself and won’t be getting any as I have a mistress in Australia so it will be a long time until we meet again.”
Through talking to all these amazing people who so generously gave me their thoughts, it’s not so much the sex we’re gagging on, it’s physical intimacy and just being with people again. I get the feeling that a lot of us are still feeling very cautious and will be taking it very slowly. So perhaps the sex parties might be off the menu for a while but at least we’ll get that cuddle we’ve been desperate for.